We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
