So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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