Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
