Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
