Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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