A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
