If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
