whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
