a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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