Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
