Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
