if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
