if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
