Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
