Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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