My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
