Jerry, you need to find god
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
