You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
