I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
