He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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