Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
