I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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