Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
