My cat gives me a boner
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
