Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
