No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
