goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
