I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
try to milk me bitch
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