i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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