Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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