hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
