I haven't been this sober since birth.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
