I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
