My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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