The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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