And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
