Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
