I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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