im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
