So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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