Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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