Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
