Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I will be naked everywhere
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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