i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
