we have officially lost it.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
