I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
