Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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