im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Farmville is her only friend.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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