You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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