just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
