I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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